yet insanely I write,
conjuring images,
conflicting my mind,
decisions, collisions,
omissions, traditions,
and violently wishing,
to black out my history,
deceiving me, leaving me,
past life a mystery,
grasping and gasping,
leaving me breathless,
longing for pain,
writing my death wish,
quivering, shivering,
unwillingly overcome,
by the sadness, that washes,
over me till I'm numb.