It had not occurred to me that i'd gained so much weight back. Maybe I was in denial. I constantly blamed my lady time for my poor choices when it came to food. Blamed being tired as my excuse not to work out. Got involved in my depression rather than fighting for something better. Even today as I looked at the photo and saw that my double chin was back, and now circulating my entire lower face, I still reached for food as my comfort. I still sat and wrote, and colored rather than putting on music and making myself work out.
When life was hard, weight loss was easier. I know that seems strange, but the truth is when you can't afford to eat that much, you wont. When you don't have a car, you will walk. When the only thing you can control in life is your weight, you will learn to take that fat and make it your bitch! I did, but I also got too damn lazy. I got comfortable. I fell in love. Like so many things I just fell into a pattern and it wasn't necessarily the most healthy one.
Weight loss had become another thing I struggled to be the best at. I don't know why it felt so competitive at times, but it did. I would congratulate fellow losers, but secretly I was jealous of their efforts, that they were still so strong. I was envious because of my own failure. Sometimes I thought about giving up, about how good food tasted, and sleeping felt. I realized when I really gave up, I didn't think about it at all. I just fell out of good habits, and in to bad ones. I became too lazy to continue working out, or walking unnecessarily. I ate what I wanted, and plenty of it. I didn't realize how far I'd gone, until my pants weren't fitting right. Even then I said "oh I'm just bloated, it's my lady time." I was so in denial of my gain, until today, I almost cried.