wow, it's 4 am I'm a little tipsy and sad. Why is it that drinking and going out sometimes does that to me? Sometimes I just get sad. It sucks when I'm busting ass and putting in work and the weight just doesn't come off fast enough. I terribly hate myself when I look in the mirror and all I can see is "the fat girl". I know that doesn't define me, but does everyone else know that? Sometimes I think that's all I am to people. I feel like guys that I like always look at my thinner friends with more intrigue. I just wish the kind of guys I liked would look at me that way. Of course the sketchy weirdo's do, but no thanks.
I'm still living this, I don't know how to be single phase. It just sucks. Right now I am letting myself get really upset at the fact that my ex had to ruin everything. Maybe I am having these crushes to get past the fact that I wasted 8 years with a man I thought I'd be with forever. Now I look at him and I see no love, no attraction, just anger towards him for that. I guess it's not him so much I care about, It's more what we had together. It wasn't perfect but I did love him. He was my first "REAL" love. I mean I thought I loved before that, but looking back I believe that to be untrue. I really should have had my mental breakdown right after the breakup so I could get past. My issue, I tried to keep pushing through like nothing bad happened. I looked at is as freedom and happiness, and it is that too...but sometimes I just feel lonely and unattractive. When you put everything you have into loving someone, if they fuck up your trust it's hard to get out of that. I lost my virginity to him and haven't been with anyone new since the breakup either. So now I'm walking around only having had sex with one person, a person I borderline hate, and still care about all at once. I don't love him anymore I know that, but I will always care for him and want him to have a decent life.
Why is it that I care so much, about everything in general? I think I need to stop going out, and definately stop drinking. I need to put in work and bust it for those results. Sorry about my mental post, but this is part of my journey too.
I'm still living this, I don't know how to be single phase. It just sucks. Right now I am letting myself get really upset at the fact that my ex had to ruin everything. Maybe I am having these crushes to get past the fact that I wasted 8 years with a man I thought I'd be with forever. Now I look at him and I see no love, no attraction, just anger towards him for that. I guess it's not him so much I care about, It's more what we had together. It wasn't perfect but I did love him. He was my first "REAL" love. I mean I thought I loved before that, but looking back I believe that to be untrue. I really should have had my mental breakdown right after the breakup so I could get past. My issue, I tried to keep pushing through like nothing bad happened. I looked at is as freedom and happiness, and it is that too...but sometimes I just feel lonely and unattractive. When you put everything you have into loving someone, if they fuck up your trust it's hard to get out of that. I lost my virginity to him and haven't been with anyone new since the breakup either. So now I'm walking around only having had sex with one person, a person I borderline hate, and still care about all at once. I don't love him anymore I know that, but I will always care for him and want him to have a decent life.
Why is it that I care so much, about everything in general? I think I need to stop going out, and definately stop drinking. I need to put in work and bust it for those results. Sorry about my mental post, but this is part of my journey too.